


The Green-eyed monster

by Centum



Category: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Genre: M/M, SWTOR, theron shan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-10 00:02:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5561023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Centum/pseuds/Centum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marnh gets to learn what jealousy is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Green-eyed monster

**Author's Note:**

> I went through this story (again) and I found the writing awkward. This is the second story I have ever written in my life. "Warmth" is the first, and it has gone through a thorough rewriting. I never rewrote this, just tried to fix the most obvious mistakes. I'm still pondering if I should just delete this, but on the other hand, I like the story.

I'm tired, but pleased when I leave the Senate Tower that day. I have negotiated a deal with the Rift worlds, almost by myself. I enjoyed the brain work and the gentle manipulation it required, and I felt great satisfaction when the deal was accepted and signed by every participant. I decide to reward myself for a job well done and buy something good to eat for Theron and me. There are lots of small shops and cafes near the Senate Plaza, so I take my direction there.

I walk around and try to decide what to take when my eyes catch something that makes me paralyse. My heart jumps into my throat and suddenly I feel very cold. There is an icy hand inside of me that reaches into my heart and grips it.

I see Theron, and he is not alone. He is sitting with a human-female in a cafe just across from me. He is holding her hand. I can see how his fingers move gently when he fondles said hand. I study the woman carefully, I don't want to but I can't help myself. The woman is attractive, I think. I'm not exactly sure because I don't swing that way, I can appreciate the beautiful women, but I can't see them as attractive. She has long, red hair, small nose and big, green eyes. Breasts are big, too. I know that men who likes breasts and women in general, would probably appreciate them.

I look at Theron. He listens to the woman carefully, hand still caressing her hand. He has this concerned look which I have witnessed many times when I talk with him. He listens carefully, then answers something, all serious. The woman speaks, head bent towards Theron. I don't see her face anymore, so I can't see if she is smiling. Theron...he smiles to something woman says, then answers to her with a nod.

I catch myself right before I begin to Seethe. "Walk away, right now," I whisper to myself, and I do so. I don't buy anything. The strange, cold feeling has now reached my stomach and moved there permanently. I can feel the shivers going through my spine. The shivers of anger. The kind of anger that makes you blind to your surroundings. My breath is shallow and my skin is in goose bumps from...Fear. Horror. What lies behind my anger is fear. It is easier to be angry than scared. Anger is a feeling of high vibration and thus very tempting, whereas fear makes you crumble and shiver and hide. Fear makes you weak.

When I get home, I sit on the couch and try to gather my thoughts and feelings, but I fail, miserably. It is like there is this huge black hole inside me that sucks every positive image or feeling I generate and they disappear in a second. All I can feel is the coldness and fear inside me. And anger. I'm angry at that woman. I'm angry that she exists at all. She has no right to sit there, holding my partner's hand, trying to shove those breasts in his face. Maybe she has a great arse too? I wouldn't know even if I saw it, and I didn't.

I try to tell myself Theron is a free man who can sit with whoever he wants. I don't own him. You can't own another person. He is his own man. I'm lucky enough to have a privilege of calling him my partner, but in the end we all have a free will. Being my partner doesn't mean he is only mine. We never had the talk about having other people in our lives, because I thought it was given we won't. I never even thought Theron could be with someone else while being with me. I certainly never thought about being with others because Theron is all I have ever wanted. I have never loved anyone else. I have never wanted anyone else like I want him. He is my galaxy and my universe. I never even look at other men. But what if it's not the same for him? He has been married before meeting me. I know he has had more relationships than I. I've heard about his reputation as a "ladies man", though there has been some men too, he has never denied it.

What if he misses being with a woman? I don't have breasts and all that softness and...I feel so terrified of the thought of Theron wanting someone else I feel I'm strangling. The cold whirl inside me just keeps growing, and all the time I get just _angrier._ I have never been angry with Theron. Never. Now I'm angry at him for...what? Him having a free will? Him doing what he wants? Him not reporting me his every move?

I hear the door opening and closing. Theron is home.

"Hey love, why are you sitting here in the dark?" He asks cheerfully and turns the lights on. The light hurts my eyes and I leave the couch and go to the kitchen without a word. I'm avoiding his eyes. I'm afraid he would see the anger in me. He would make me to deal with it and I. Don't. Want. To! I'm pretending I'm making a dinner, I clang the kettles and the tableware and I smash the cupboard doors. Bang. Clang. Thump when something falls on the floor.

Theron walks into the kitchen: "What on earth are you doing? The racket could rise up dead. Is everything alright?"

I don't answer to him. I still refuse to look at him. I hate him. I hate this feeling. I hate that woman for spoiling my good day. I bite my lip. I keep looking down and smashing the kettles.

Theron comes next to me, places his hand on my shoulder and with the other hand grabs my chin. He forces me to look at him.

"Marnh, what is the matter? Tell me now. I can't read minds, not even yours. Whatever it is, I'm sure you can share it with me?"

I shake his hand off from my shoulder and then, with great satisfaction, I reach to the Force and tell the mug on the table to smash against the wall. The Force obeys, and the mug flies. Smash!

"Who was that woman with you in the cafe today? With tits and hair? You held her hand, I was there and I saw everything _with my own two eyes!_ " I'm hissing, and at the same time, I'm mortified about myself.

Theron looks at me with a blank face for a moment. Then he relaxes and smiles of relief. With a curious face, he says:

"You were there? Why didn't you come to me then? She was my ex-wife. I was going to surprise you and come to get you from the work, but then I met Elena. She is going through her second divorce, poor thing, and she asked if we could talk. She wanted to know if there was something wrong with her, you know, second divorce and all. I told her that only mistake she made in her relationships are the men she chooses, plain and simple."

Theron shakes his head now.

"I really would have liked to introduce you to her, she asked about you. She had heard the rumours of me stealing a Dark Lord from the Imperium with my charms, wits and looks. She is a nice person. We are not very close friends, but we are in terms with each other."

I just look at him. I can feel my teeth aching from all the gritting I have done. My head hurts from the frowning I have been practising for hours. And at the same time I don't know how to stop from feeling like this, how to stop from being angry with Theron who has done nothing wrong. The hate in me burns and twist my heart and I'm full of venom and spite.

"You sat there, holding her hand, you were all cosy and tender and it DISGUSTS me!" I yell.

"Are you jealous? _You are jealous!_ " Theron says now, and his face lights up from understanding.

"Oh...Oh!" I say with a voice so tiny I barely hear it myself. Jealous...is that the name of the feeling I have, the feeling of anger and coldness and fear? I have heard about it but never thought I would experience it myself.

I feel so bad, so ashamed of myself that all I can do is walk away and not face him. I can't admit I have wronged him. I'm overwhelmed of this feeling of "jealousy" and I have to be alone. I want out from here. So without a word I just walk out of the door. I'm walking around Coruscant for hours. Finally, I have to go back. It IS my home now, and I have to sleep. I walk in and without even a glance at Theron I march to the bedroom and go to sleep. I refuse to deal with this now. I deal with it when I can.

When I wake up it is dark. I know it is not morning yet. I turn to look next to me and to my relief Theron is there in sound sleep, breathing peacefully. His brown hair is a mess and Gods, how much I love him. I carefully move myself under his blanket to enjoy his body's warmth. I often do this when I wake up before him or in the middle of the night. It feels so good I have no words for it. He is all warm and sleepy and he smells warm and sleepy. These moments are sacred to me. It is so quiet, so dark, the only sound is Theron breathing, warmth radiating from him. I'm lying there next to him, I let my hand softly caress his chest and I think of all this time I have spent with him.

Now I understand why people so often are afraid of love, why I was afraid too. The amount of pain it can give you is stunning. And still we run to it with open arms, time after time. We seek for it and we dream about it. Some people are devastated by the thought of never finding anyone to be with, and they settle for less. I never wanted to settle. I didn't know what I was waiting for. My conscious mind never believed there is anything worth the wait. I was prepared to live alone for the rest of my life, for me it felt like the best option. Talk to any of the Sith about love and how to find it, and you will see a Sith rolling on the floor from laughter. And that laugh is aimed at you for being a weakling and a fool. And then I met Theron. My life took a turn I never imagined it would, and I have been so happy with him. Every day is like a miracle for me.

This feeling of "jealousy"...I realise it is fear of loosing what you have. That someone comes and takes it away from you. You love so much, you are so attached. Yet you have to hide the fact from yourself that any given moment you can lose what you love. If I would loose Theron...I don't say there wouldn't possibly be anyone else for me, galaxy is a huge place. But it wouldn't be Theron. I wouldn't love that other person like I love Theron. And perhaps Theron would be with someone else. And I would have to live with the knowledge that he is somewhere there, but not with me. I wouldn't be able to touch him, talk with him and laugh with him. Maybe I rather would be alone then.

With a cute sniff Theron wakes up to my touches. He turns to look at me, and I kiss him gently.

"I'm sorry for being difficult today. Please, forgive me if you can," I whisper to him. He pulls me close to him and holds me tight.

"Love, there is nothing to be sorry about. I understand you, I do. It happens. Jealousy is a perfectly normal feeling when you love someone. Everyone feels it, believe me," he says. "Next time you see something like that you walk to me and take a seat and have some faith in yourself, alright?"

I nod. Then I remember my thoughts of him and women and I have to swallow the lump from my throat before I speak:

"Do you miss being with a woman? I have always been into men, but you have been with the women too. Do you miss everything that women have?"

I realise I speak out loud my greatest fear and it feels so horrible, yet relieving. My silent question is: Am I enough for you?

"Love, don't do that to yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. You are a unique, special person. You are beautiful, sexy and smart. There is no one exactly like you in the whole wide world. You are everything I ever wanted. It doesn't matter to me that you are a man too. I just haven't met a man like you before, not a woman either. And it is easy to settle being with the women if you are sexually more attracted to them than to men. I think I'm one of those who fall in love with a person, not a gender. You get what I mean?" Theron has a plead in his voice, one I have never heard before. Is he afraid too?

"I think I understand. I don't know why I'm insecure about myself when it comes to you, maybe it comes with being in love. I have never felt like this before, about anything, but I have never loved before either." I think for a moment and then continue:

"You said that this jealousy-thing is normal. Then, have you been jealous of me? Have I done something that made you feel this bad?"

Theron sighs and then nods, with an embarrassed smile.

"Yes, I have been so very jealous of you. And it wasn't even about something you did when we were already together, it was about something you did before we met."

Now I get really interested. "Tell me, I want to know!"

"Alright, but this is not my proudest moment, you know?" Theron seems to have real difficulties to spit it out, and I'm even more interested. Who would have thought I made him jealous?

"You know I go places and hear things and mingle? It is part of my job. And when we were already secretly meeting each other, I heard rumours...well, not even rumours, but someone who had been there spoke about it in a bar in Makeb and I was on the same table. It was about you and a Sith Lord...I think he was called Cytharat? Yes, that was the name."

I have to bite my lips, they tremble terribly and I might smile. "Yes, he is Lord Cytharat, go on, love," I encourage him.

"Well...it was about how you had been chasing after him. Like being all over him. And trying to get under him. Like...well, you get the picture. And then it suddenly ended. Someone knew someone's sisters cousins brothers uncle who had seen him coming out from your ship in the middle of the night, all suave."

I have to bite my lips even harder. I'm an evil person.

"So, for a week after that I was really burning with rage. I wanted to strangle that dude. And I was all like WHY are you with me when you could get a suave Mr. Sith Lord. You could Sith together all over the galaxy for the rest of your life. Leave a trail of bodies behind you."

Now I laugh out loud.

"With Cytharat I would have produced exactly the same amount of bodies as with you, which is very little. He is not like that. He is a pacifist if there can be a pacifist among the Sith. And about what happened between us...well. It was not pretty. I looked up to him, he was everything I thought I wanted to be. Maybe I even envied him. I seduced him, yes. I was quite shameless while doing it. I felt really bad about it afterwards. Which was for naught, because in the end, he took what I offered and never expected for more. He knew I'm not for him."

One day I will tell Theron about Lord Cytharat's vision, but not yet.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why carry that alone?" I'm asking from Theron.

"Why did you go out alone to sulk? Being jealous makes you be ashamed of yourself. It is embarrassing. To confess you care so much that you can't stand the idea of someone else touching your loved one. Or that your loved one cared for someone else before you. It makes you feel petty," Theron says.

"I never cared for Cytharat. I admired him, and I looked up at him, but care? No. I have never cared about anyone before you. Well, I did care about my crew, you know that. But in a different way than you. I'm still glad when they contact me and tell me how they are doing and want to meet with me." I smile when I think about it. It is a nice feeling to realise I have something I can call "friends".

"See, I care about my ex-wife too, even though in a very shallow way. I was with her for three years and I wished she would be happy when she got married for the second time. I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. You are my life, you are my partner in crime and you are what I want. In every possible way."

After saying that Theron crawls on top of me and kisses me with needy lips. I'm more than pleased to fulfil his needs.


End file.
